Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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