I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
