Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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