This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
