I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
