I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
