I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
