I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
