Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
