I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
