I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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