And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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