in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
