I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
