I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
