As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
