I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
