You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Your penis caused this!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
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