fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
