everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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