What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
