idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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