TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
