There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
