Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
