Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
