The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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