Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
