Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
