Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Send help, water and tortillas.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
