She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
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