we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
