just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
