You don't have asthma, your pregnant
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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