Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
True college students do jello shots in the library
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
