i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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