everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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