either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I can text with my tongue
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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