SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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