Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
