I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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