i jhust puked up my retainher.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Randomize
