he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
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