I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
