Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Randomize
