wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
