I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
this hospital has no fireball
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
