Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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