I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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