Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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