There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
